The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Kristy Lee Parkin, Ph.D., explains how the classic cycle of abuse, conceptualized in 1979 by Lenore Walker, can be adapted to describe the dynamics of narcissistic relationships. This cycle, originally used to understand intimate partner violence, consists of four stages: tension, incident, reconciliation/honeymoon, and calm. In narcissistic relationships, the abuse is often emotional or psychological rather than physical. Narcissists, particularly covert and female narcissists, manipulate and control their partners to maintain power and feed their fragile egos. Victims may experience learned helplessness, feeling unable to escape the relationship.

The narcissistic cycle mirrors Walker’s model but with unique features such as gaslighting, blame-shifting, and smear campaigns. The stages include a defining event (a narcissist’s outburst), regaining control (where victims often apologize to restore peace), a superficial period of peace and quiet, and an inevitable buildup of tension that leads to another incident. Parkin emphasizes that while conflict in relationships is normal, abusive cycles are characterized by a lack of respect and a continuous imbalance of power, making the victim feel trapped.